I notice I go for entire days without talking anymore. Truthfully, that sucks and maybe its the only reason I like even going to work in the “clinic”…uhm…I mean the ER. Even my coworkers at the hospital are noticing that I’m quite and not saying much when I’m there. I don’t see the point. Small talk bores the shit out of me. There is no point in making friends there because they’ll all just bail out or flake off at some point, if they don’t back stab me first. And it’s not like I even get fucked over by people for anything that drama fueled or something worthwhile. No, it’s usually something small and petty to fuel whatever fucked up function runs inside their brain.

Let’s talk about friends. I could make a really good argument that I really no longer have friends. Well, maybe a few friends but probably none that I’m “tight” or close with. No one invites me out to do shit. Fuck, I don’t even get texts from people on a semi regular basis anymore. But you better fucking believe when someone needs something, they turn to me. And the fucked up part is I’m always going to help someone out in their time of need. Seems like changing who I am just because someone pisses me off is letting someone who shouldn’t get the better of me, right? Good example is last week I just got back in town from seeing my mom and I get a call from a friend who I never really hear from. I totally knew this was the friend needing something. Of course I was correct and this friend was being kicked out of her apartment she shared with her boyfriend. So yeah I go help and along the way I got this reassurance of “text me on your day off Wednesday and we’ll hang” and “we’ll stay in touch more often”. You know, I’ve been called a pessimist but you can’t be a pessimist if people do EXACTLY what you expect them to do. Over a week later and I still have an answer text from that day. Shocking, right?!?!?

Let’s talk about some of my “close” friends. Again, it seems like everything our friendship was based on was really just about me being “support” through whatever it was they were going through. It’s been the case a lot of times. Should a new job or a new love interest or something just straight up good come around, I was shoved to the side. When things go south, I’m the go-to guy. And I’ve been fine with that. I understand it because when my world fell apart a year and a half ago no one was there. For better or worse I climbed up from rock bottom supporting myself. Anyone who appeared a long the way has clearly shown they had their own agenda. And that in itself is really fucking sad.

The truth is I don’t blame others. I don’t whine and cry about shit. Things happen and you just move on through it. I do what I do and fuck what anyone else has to say. With that said, no one is perfect. If something is wrong within yourself recognize that and deal with it. I’ve dealt and probably still dealing with my issues. But I’m still standing right here dealing with mine. It’s pretty fucking cowardly, albeit pathetic, to make write things on the internet pointing the finger at me when clearly anyone with common sense sees you are really talking about yourself. But it’s sad because everyone has this “image” they want to keep up and show the world. No one gives a fuck. Just be yourself. If you have to try to be yourself, then you aren’t doing just that. And for the others I know who have the whole “give it to God and he’ll figure it out” mentality….that’s so pathetic. I’m not a christian, and I certainly can’t speak for your christian God or his son Jesus Christ, but doesn’t the teachings say about how much they sacrifice for their believers? If that’s even somewhat true then shouldn’t you get out there and live the life you so believe your savior has given you? Another of my points that stumps christians and I couldn’t get answered when I was a christian, but that is a WHOLE other topic for another time.

I hate that I feel disconnected, but it’s better than hating myself. It’s much better than being disappointed in myself. I’m not so sure I want to come out and say I’m better than anyone, but I certainly have been through my trails and tribulations so why should I shoulder other people’s problems. I’m right where I’ve been and where I will be. Keep trying to play games of making me seem like I’m the “bad” person. I’m not buying it. I’ll be standing in the same place when you want to apologize. And when you desperately need my help again and no one else is around, I’ll be in the same place. Want to go ahead with the promise of “kicking my ass”. Again, I haven’t move from my spot. I’ll continue to hope that others can rise up to this level with me because no one has proved worthy enough for me to give up all my hard work to drop back down to their level.